Do you remember the time Dad borrowed the bicycle built for two and sat you down on the back, and then he crashed it? Remember how horrible he felt? And you just laughed and laughed and laughed, unscathed. At first you were perfect. You were unstoppable

**

Amy knows it is time for her to go back upstairs to her room now, but she is afraid

Amy knows it is time for her to go back upstairs to her room now, but she is afraid. She has so many nightmares now that she wants to stop sleeping, forever. Sometimes at night she goes and sits in the closet thinking sleeping sitting up with the door shut might help, but it doesn’t. She has tried sleeping everywhere: on the spare bed, under her own bed, in the middle of the floor, in the corner, under the desk, on top of the desk curled up into a little ball. It doesn’t help.

Being awake is even worse. Amy thinks of all the times she sat alone with Sasha in the dining room talking about pets and hobbies and furniture and food. All those times she could have told him not to do it. Maybe all he needed was someone to hold his hand for him and to tell him not to do it. But she did not do that. She just sat there, an idiot, a miserable, disgusting, worthless, useless idiot. And now he is dead.

So she keeps on drinking in Tommy’s room, taking shots with him at first and then continuing alone out of a big plastic cup slumped against his Nine Inch Nails poster. The short coarse carpet chafes against her legs through her pajama pants. She repositions herself. He is playing computer games. The door is open. Someone stops by. She doesn’t say anything for fear of slurring her speech. When they leave, Tommy shuts the door.

Amy simultaneously wishes that Zoe were there and rejoices that Zoe is not there. She wants to set a good example for Zoe. This is not a good example, she knows. She knows she should go back up to her room now and try to go to sleep. But she is afraid, and when Tommy offers to let her have his lower bunk, she says yes.

Tommy is supposed to take the upper bunk. But at some point, after she has been asleep for a while, he sits down on the edge of the mattress where she lies curled up around his pillow. He cradles the nape of her neck in his right hand. She wakes up, sort of.

It has been a long time since Amy gave any thought to losing her virginity, or to her first kiss

It has been a long time since Amy gave any thought to losing her virginity, or to her first kiss. She is startled by her own body once it is bared. She looks down and sees that she is very pale and so slight she is barely there, like a ghost, and it gives her vertigo.

Now she can’t quite keep track of what is happening. When he takes her hand and puts it around his penis, she thinks it undulates, slithers, like a snake. Amy stiffens, and then she detaches from her body, watching the rest from overhead.

Afterwards she passes out again. She dreams of Sasha.